Seeing Life version Whine

All my life I've been wanting things I can't have. Or maybe, I've been wanting things I can have but don't work for.

I have the unfortunate luck of being born to a well-connected family. I mean, not unfortunate-unfortunate, more, unfortunate to my psychological make-up. Because I have a caring, well to do family I never want for anything, its given to me, I have parents who are dominating but well meaning, and poor enough to constantly have everything I want out of reach.

I dream of a better life but I don't have the drive, the hunger to fight for that dream because I never had to work for anything, not really. I just went through life coasting.

Also, I have this driving need to please everyone and at the same time I've built up this wall against feeling anything to upset me and I'm so far from being overtly emotional that I feel stiff whenever I try to let it out. I mean, I can count on one hand the number of times I've cried.

For all my talk of change deep down I really don't want to change no matter how much I admire these proactive, successful women. No matter how much I want to have what they have. I think I like being a wallflower, mediocre, nothing expected of me. In truth, I want nothing more than to be left alone with my books and TV and my writings.

I really am not suited for this job. Public Relations. I don't like relating to the public, I don't like paperwork but I plod on where others have quit not because I'm determined but because I don't speak out.

All my relatives are achievers, successful in the field they've chosen and they're happy with their careers. And I just... I'm not them and whenever I look at my life next to theirs all the more I want to be quiet, not to cast waves and shadows.
I admire them terribly but...

Bloom where I'm planted they tell me, you're beautiful and smart they say, we don't really understand why you're insecure and not successful.

You and me both.