A Look Back

2003 promised a year of new beginnings, and sorrowful endings; the endings occured but sadly the beginnings were only mirages in a desert of stagnation. I have neither changed nor progressed rather I have remained as I was.

I could have had something though, at the beginning of the year, a job I think I would have loved and now will never ever know, it was like a beacon to me but now only a distant memory full of regret and admonitions.

Blame not falls on the people who dissuaded me but on myself for allowing myself to be dissuaded. It is a bitter thing to feel, to remember of what I could have had, I might have in the end hated the job but now I will never know because I never took the risk of going ahead.

So here I am with only recriminations and questions and anger and depression. You may think it a trivial thing to be depressed about, the lack of a job but when one has no onther occupation, when one is hounded everywhere family, friends, and strangers with: 'Wala ka pang trabaho? You still have no job?

I write this not of bitterness, but of letting go, of pursuing a promise to myself that I will not let this year pass without change, that I will risk more and when the next year I will greet it not with regret but with fulfillment.

Life cannot be led this way. It musn't.